Home.

The idea of home is very relative. Where is home? Is it where you grew up? Is it about the memories? Is it about your parents? Is it about your convenience?

Its difficult to leave family behind. Especially if you're the last one who's leaving. You don't even realise you've watched your parents grow old over the years. Someday when you open up a family album you realise that mom seems to have a lot of grey hair suddenly and crows feet near her eyes and wasn't dad a little taller?

I get nightmares about leaving Bombay. I cannot imagine the day I will have to leave my parents behind. Somebody once told me that I must create an image in my head, and go through it over and over so that at the end of it I grow comfortable with the idea of leaving. Alright, nobody told me that, I thought it up myself. But no matter how many times I create the whole scenario in my head, I cannot bring myself to leave. I create a picture, in which I am the airport, mom and dad have bought tickets worth 50 bucks each. The last hug and the last kiss. They're putting up a brave face, telling me to keep my passport carefully. I am trying to keep a braver face, and quietly smiling and telling them I will be careful, all when I am screaming inside.

If you want to know the stark truth, here it is: in the images in my head, I never leave. Thats my truth. I come back and tell them surprise taa-daa I'm not going! We take a taxi back home. The watchman is giving me surprised looks, he's not at all unhappy about having to lug the luggage till the lift again. I open the door, my cat is waiting inside, I give it a tight hug and kiss its head and say I am not leaving. I wake up Nani tell her thank you for the imam-zamin you tied around my arm for my saftey, and the 500 Rupees you gave me to spend there, I am not going, but Im not returning the money either! I wake up the next morning to the usual sounds. Nani reciting the Quran, the cat is comfortably nestled on my pillow by now, sleeping in my bed, and I am on the cold floor!

But dreams are different. You cannot control them or alter them. They hold your deepest, darkest fears. I often dream about leaving. In my dreams I am in a plane, locked inside, and its taking off, and I am saying, let me please go back. But the plane just takes off and I am crying saying, one last look, one last hug, please I don't want to go. I often wake up crying these days.

It scares me to leave my parents in Bombay. We have no relatives here, and neighbours who are sometimes very friendly and sometimes so indifferent. The crime rate seems to be increasing, and I am scared for my parents. I am scared that they might trust somebody too much and let him in. I am scared that they might fall sick with nobody to take care of them. I am just very scared for them.

I maybe a clingy Taurean, but I am sure I am not the only one here who feels this way.

I'd better engross myself in applications, there is so much to do, such little time. In a way all this paper work and running around is good. It keeps you distracted, and hence it keeps you sane.